I've done it. I've changed my mind. It does happen sometimes. I'm a little surprised that I have to admit it via blog, though. I signed into this blog because I wanted to activate it again. I'm going to be doing a lot more writing in the days to come (more about that, later). I realized when I logged in that most of my entries are a year old. My how things change in a year. How I'VE changed in a year!
I began, last fall, asking God to grow me and change me. I asked that He fill me more with His Spirit, with the kind of love He gives, and to treat others with the kindness He would show them. I began to pray, "More of you, Lord, less of me" and "Lord, show me myself", the latter coming from a quote that a pastor-friend of mine posted on Facebook. I cannot remember the author of the quote, and for that I am sorry, but the general point was that we, as Christians, would be far better off if we judged others less and asked God to show us where WE needed to be changed "by praying 'Lord, show me myself'. So that I did. OUCH. What a painful thing that became. As I began to ask God to show me who I really was inside, He began to reveal to me my selfishness, my stubbornness, my pride. It has been a humbling journey which I, surprisingly, hope never ends. For as He molds me and shapes me, as does the potter with the clay, I know that I am becoming more the kind of person that God would have me to be. I hope that in the process those around me note the change and in the process, note the Editor. He is reading my heart, erasing the parts of it that have no room in His plan, are contrary to His purpose, and that detract from who He is. It is my prayer that He will write on my heart the plans He has for me (Jer 29:11) and that His Word will be written on my heart for all to see. As a potter mangles the flawed clay vessel he is creating in order to reshape it into something he can work with, God is pressing on me, on my heart and on my mind, to work me into something He can use. Removing the flaws caused by selfishness, stubbornness, and pride. Someday I will be flawless. Please keep in mind that it will not be so on this side of Heaven, but it will be so Someday. Until then, I say "Here am I, Lord"... to be used for His glory in every way that He leads. To those of you who know Him, I covet your prayers and support as I grow. To those of you who don't, but love me anyway, your support for me as I hope to grow into a kinder, more loving, more patient person is valued. Even if you aren't a Christian, surely you won't oppose a person wishing to become those things. So, I am here for you, my friends. I'll pray for you and support you in any way that I can. Please don't expect perfection. Forgive me if I fail you. Be honest if you see something in me that doesn't match up with the Word of the God I serve.
... Well, THAT wasn't where I was intending to go with this entry tonight, but it is how my words fell out on the page. My original point was to have surrounded the fact that almost exactly one year ago I blogged about how I could "never be a stay-at-home mother", and now here I sit wishing I could find a way to adjust my life to that end. Because I am a single mother, we all know there is no way that will happen. Still, there are ways in which I can be more available to my children, make better use of the free time that I do have, and rely less on the material resources at my disposal and focus on emotional resources and time. I will say, and this holds true forever, that I will ALWAYS prefer purchasing cookies from the bakery or accepting them as gifts to baking them myself. Baking is like chemistry, which requires algebra, neither of which I am successful at and neither of which I will ever love. Or even like. Ever. Mr.Amundsen: I made it to age 36 without having to use it. I'm only using it now because the college won't give me the degree I slaved three years to acquire. In three more short, and terribly condensed weeks, I will cease to think on it further. (Here's where all of you praying folks can start!)
Please accept this terribly disjointed entry with my apologies. For the handful of you who have appreciated my perspective in the past, there will be wittier, lighter entries in the future. However, tonight I have algebra I must work on and a little bit of paperwork that must be completed before I can share with you some of the interesting turns experienced by the Johnson (don't feel left out, Nathan, it means you, too) household. So, starting this night with a new perspective as a Christian mother I'll say it... I wish I was a stay-at-home mom.