So, you say you are pro-life...

Traci Schmidley wrote a blog article that has been making its way around social media. I don't know Traci personally, but her excellent piece Are you Really Pro-Life? made me think about an angle that she didn't directly address in her post, though I believe it is implied (if I am mistaken, I will certainly apologize).  I am not a blogger and don't mean to steal anyone's spotlight or traffic, by any means. Please read Traci's post here: https://medium.com/@tracischmidley/are-you-really-pro-life-ab5c5acbb293 before you continue reading what I have written. It is the right thing to do (and... what I've said here won't make sense if you don't). 

After reading her words, some friends and I exchanged a little dialogue about the subject of abuse of the system leading to the kind of judgment Traci mentioned. 

Here are my thoughts (you can blame my friend, Esther, for this becoming a blog post) in regard to pro-life Christians (especially) and their God-given responsibility to take Traci's words to heart. 

Even if people are taking advantage of the system (the system sort of allows it), how often are we the only link to the gospel that these people will ever see? We are Christians before we are Americans and if we let our nationalistic pride block the light of Christ, we have made a mistake.  Regardless of what people have done in their lives, without the gospel changing them, they're going to do whatever they need to do to survive. If that means cheating a little here and there- they're probably going to do it. Without the voice of the Spirit of God urging my heart to do the right thing (in too many situations), I am quite sure I wouldn't. My past is proof. 

People who are pro-life should never see (or treat) children as mistakes. I've heard too many seemingly well-intentioned people criticize people (even solid Christians) for having large families, for mothers having babies out of wedlock (even though they should be praising her for not having aborted her baby), for having babies of mixed race...(why is this even a thing anymore).  But for what? If we love life and support choosing LIFE, we need to show it. Otherwise, we are really just pro-birth.  

I stayed away from church for five years because I couldn't explain my unborn son, and then later, after his birth, the fact that my son had no father. I was lost then, but I knew what my life should have looked like to be acceptable to Christians and to God. I just didn't know how to get there. At a time in my life when I was the most helpless, the most lonely, and the most desperate for grace, I couldn't approach the one place where I should have been able to find it. Only when I entered Calvary Baptist Church in my town and saw the hands and feet of Jesus in action through this body of believers was I able to let my guard down and truly experience the grace of God in Christ.  It brought me to saving faith and I will never forget where Jesus found me when I was welcomed by this family. 

A lot of people who profess to be Christians seem to feel justified in wrapping themselves in the flag and hurling insults and anyone who is lazy, confused, immoral, misguided, or dishonest.  That is fine for lost conservatives who don't know any better but to base their existence on the U.S. Constitution.  However, for American Christians who are inexplicably blessed to live in this free nation, we are not so "free" to think or say whatever we feel about them.  In such instances as Traci described, we are presented with the perfect opportunity to reach out to people in their lowliest, most broken states and show them the love of Christ... even if they've lied to the government to get benefits; even if they've stolen from tax payers to get more than they should; even if (brace yourselves, everyone...) they've murdered their unborn babies. Yes. I said that "out-loud." 

Without Christ, the morality conservative Americans desire of them means nothing. Who cares if they keep the whole [American] law and [never] stumble in even one point...? How unfortunate! In that case, there is no reason for guilt, no need for rescuing.  But, if we love them where they are... lost, lying, cheating, stealing, and murdering... they WILL see the love of Christ in us.  We never know when God is planning to use us in a grocery line.   We never know when someone is aching for the gospel and they don't even know it. 

Supporting life through all of these situations does not mean supporting the breaking of laws or accepting/condoning immoral lifestyles. But, if we don't reach out to those who need it most, our beliefs become just opinions - really stinky ones- to those who see Christians as hypocrites.   I have some pretty liberal friends whose main objection to pro-life people is this very issue... They believe we are pro-birth and don't care what mothers need to ensure their children have have their needs met.  Meeting their needs doesn't make us bad (read liberal) Americans, but not meeting them makes us lousy (read disobedient) Christians.  Someone may not use our gift of twenty bucks, or a helping hand, or our support with the right motives. They may still carry on in their dishonest, immoral ways. What do you expect from lost people?  We aren't responsible for their choices. We are only responsible to serve others; to do unto the least of these as if we were serving Christ.  Sometimes our service may be the exact catalyst God uses to turn broken, wicked hearts toward Him.  People rarely want to hear truth from people whom they don't know and love and who don't love them back. They will, however, tolerate "the wounds of a faithful friend." 

Traci's article resonates with me so much because were it not for the tenderness of Christians who were different than the pro-life couple in this article (not that the author said they were believers) I would never have been saved.  I shudder when I think of how close I came to missing eternity with Christ.  For those who were instrumental in that change in my life, I am literally eternally grateful. 

What kind of Christians do we want to be? Will we stand on Plymouth Rock wrapped in the Gadsden flag crying out in the name of God that our Constitution has been trampled? How important is that really? More important than the Father of Lies ensnaring countless lost people, convincing them that there is no hope?  Are we willing to let lost people trample temporarily on a finite word from men in hopes of having an opportunity to give them the eternal Word of Life? 

What does it really mean to be pro-life? U

Adoption: Single Women Need Not Apply

Many Christian grant organizations will not accept applications from single women.  Is it wrong for single women to adopt? 

When I first considered adopting Oksana, I had decided to wait until I had a husband.  (Of course, I thought I needed to be married to buy a house, too.)  It took me a year to come to the conclusion that this was something God had prepared me for and equipped me to do.   I became convicted when, one by one, I began to cross off the excuses from the list of reasons I could not commit to her.  I had a stable income, health insurance, a home with space to raise more children, and tested ability because I was already a parent.  I agree that God has designed a two-parent family for children.  It is the ideal. I believe that having a supportive husband is also the ideal.  But being married in and of itself does not guarantee a husband is supportive and able/willing to help his wife care for his family. On a paper application, checking "married" does little more than fill the square, which just amounts to legalism.  Some organizations require interviews and recommendations from the adopting family's pastor.  Can a pastor not also recommend a godly woman as an adopting parent?  Other organizations require only the home study documentation. A home study alone says little to nothing about the godliness of a family unless the agency writing is Christian and writing from that perspective.

In his book, Adopted for Life, Russell Moore writes, “The Father adopts children, and we are called to be like him.  Jesus cares for orphans, and we are being conformed into his image.  If you’re in Christ, you are called to be involved in this project somehow.”  I’m not saying that Dr. Moore made this statement for the purpose of promoting adoptions by single mothers.  In fact, in another part of the book, he writes “Generally speaking, if you are single, pray for a marriage before you seek children.”  If a single woman who has never married hopes to be married one day, sure, it is probably better for her to wait to adopt until she has a godly husband so they may begin a new life together, cultivating  their relationship in preparation for a solid base from which to parent.   But what if a woman doesn't believe she is to marry at all? Can she not be used by God in this way? 

Amy Carmichael and Gladys Ayleward have been applauded for mothering hundreds of children, in their respective countries, as unmarried missionaries.  Amy Carmichael believed that God led her never to marry before she took in her first Indian child.   Is there a difference?  Does it matter less because that happened somewhere on the other side of the world? Does it matter less because their doing so meant someone else (the people with the funding) didn't have to go?  Does it matter less because we are now talking about the Conservative, American version of Christianity? (I’ll save that for a separate post on another day.)  Does not being united in holy matrimony make singleness unholy (also a separate post)?

I suspect that the organizations which limit their support to married-couples-only may share the perspective of those who believe missionaries can only be never-married singles or married couples with seminary degrees dispatched under a banner announcing their presence in countries that have already had missionaries for a hundred years.  In some ways, implying that children cannot grow up to be godly without a godly father limits the power of God. It also isn't scriptural. When Paul wrote to Timothy, he applauded his godly mother and grandmother. There was no mention of a father.  We don't know why this is, but we do know that Paul (and thus God, by divine inspiration) credited the godly women with raising a godly Timothy.  (Don’t assume that in saying so that I am advocating for single women the world over birthing babies on their own because they "don't need a man." That isn't my point.) 

I know… What is the point?

My point is that some are already mothers. For those mothers, something happens (divorce, abandonment, or death of a husband) to cause them to become single mothers. We don't encourage the removal of the children from a woman’s home and into another with married parents simply because she no longer has a husband.  We don’t assume she has lost her ability to parent altogether simply because she is no longer a married woman.  That would be absurd.  In like manner, there are already children who are homeless, without families, without anyone.  For those with conservative political leanings, the outcry is that "we don't want the bureaucracy raising our children" by making and writing into law decisions on how we are to parent.  If we don't want the bureaucracy figuratively raising our children, why are we okay with them doing so in a literal sense?  Shall we (American Christians, the body of Christ, single mothers) just leave them under the often substandard care of their respective institutions states if the married Christian population isn't willing is unable to open their homes? (Ahem. Was that my outside voice? My apologies! That is probably yet another post.)

 For Christians  who support adoption of children and care of orphans, James 1:27 is often treated as the cornerstone for Christian adoption. Pastors use it in their sermons.  It reads, “Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world.”  We know that Ruth, a single woman, cared for her widowed mother-in-law, Naomi. Surely the declaration made in the book of James does not mean that only men or married couples are capable of practicing religion that is pure and undefiled.  In many cases, adoption is like mission work in creative-access countries. It doesn't look conventional- but if it did, the authorities might not let you in. In the case of singles and adoption, it doesn't look conventional... Doesn't look biblical... But neither does much of anything else in our sin-cursed world. Just because the product doesn't match God's perfect design doesn't mean there can be no redemption for the marred original. If that were true, there would be no redemption for any since Adam.  I can't change the fact that I am a single mother. I have three biological sons. But, I have no husband. I would remain a single mother if I chose never adopt.  My status wouldn't change either way. Why should waiting children go without any family at all if I can be a mother to them through adoption?  Isn't a godly single mother better than no mother at all?

Love Knows No Boundaries...

She seemed anxious.  She came up beside me as we moved to the security line and pointed the gate on her boarding pass. A-19. My cousin pointed up ahead of us as the direction she must go. The young woman wearing a long turquoise colored robe and black head-covering hurried ahead. I resumed my conversation with my cousin and then we parted at the beginning of the security checkpoint.  A moment or two later, as I was in the security line, the young woman, barely an adult, was behind me now and pointed once again to her pass.  Her boarding time was 6:20 departing at 645. She was clearly worried she would not make it to her flight. We were still outside security, through which the line was moving steadily forward, but the time was 6:14. I assured her that she would be on time.  She began to cry in the line and showed me one finger. I asked if it was her first time flying.  She nodded and wiped her tears. I let her step ahead of me and put my arm around her shoulder.  She reached out to the agent assisting passengers and the agent confirmed in English that she would be fine.

"Where is home?" I asked. "Tunisia", she said; the only word she had uttered that I understood. We proceeded, after a minute or two more, to the belt where she stared at the agent. He instructed her to get a bin and she then began placing her bag in it. I showed her she must take off her pocketbook which was handing across her body.  She did and moved ahead. I placed my things in the bin and moved ahead in similar fashion and after a brief pat down by a female agent I advanced to the end of the belt to collect my belongings. We waited there side by side as she fidgeted nervously because our things had not yet come through the scanner. I placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder once more and, knowing my gate was farther past hers, said I would take her to A-19.  She nodded.  Our bins arrived in front of us and we retrieved our things. As we moved toward the gate, she seemed to ease as the numbers increased from 14, 15, to 16.  When we reached A-19, the gate was populated with passengers quietly seated and two gate agents shuffling through papers and speaking casually to one another. She approached the agent and pointed to her pass. The agent said in English, "you still have a seat. We will start boarding soon."  The young woman smiled and looked relieved. "See!" I said encouragingly, "it isn't time yet!" She gave me a long, grateful hug.  As I left her at the gate she was taking a seat next to a woman and spoke to her in what sounded like French. I continued on to my gate feeling unusually blessed to have met her and grateful for the opportunity to have helped her.

We didn't speak even two words of common language. I don't know where she was headed, except to Hamburg. She did not know anything of me. Yet, we formed a brief relationship, a friendship, displaying simple human need and kindness.  Love knows no boundaries. Not nationality, not language, not religion, time nor distance.  

I learned an important lesson today. One does not need words to be His hands and feet.

Making progress ...,

My dossier is currently in country awaiting translation.  I'm scrambling to pull together the initial fee required for translation.  The weather this winter has resulted in higher heating costs than expected so I haven't been able to set aside as much as I anticipated. The funds available via Reece's Rainbow will be available for adoption costs once I receive the travel invitation.  That can't come until the translation of my dossier is complete.   Our family has a gofundme site for donations and all of those made to that site will be accessible immediately and will help to cover the initial $2,000.  The in-country agency has been so patient as we waited for the new home study. The original home study was for a non-Hague country and the requirements are different for the new nation, so I had to start over. 

Oksana's adoption costs included the initial agency fees ($7,000), the home study fee ($2250), and all of the miscellaneous document fees for marriage and divorce certificates, birth certificates, medical exams, fingerprinting and background clearances, and then apostille fees to verify notary validity.  The apostille fees for Russia were about $800 total. The foreign program fee was $15,500 and travel costs were about $3000 for the first trip.  Immigration approval was about $900. All of those costs were covered by savings, fundraising, yard sales, selling furniture out of my house, and  donations.  Some of the initial agency fees were credited to my new adoption, but all of the documentation had to be replaced. Most of it remained in Russia and was sealed for that nation. Those for which I had maintained copies required recertification as if they had never been done.  The new home study was also not covered by any of the previous fees.  Because the new country requires Hague approval, we had to request immigration approval again with a different form and another $900 check.  

We are in the home stretch of this adoption! When I receive the travel invitation, we will visit with the boys, spend time getting to know them, and accomplish in-country business required to facilitate the adoption.   After my return home, the court process will be managed by the agency. As soon as that is done, we will receive permission to return to pick the boys up and bring them home.   The older boy is aware that a family is coming for him. He must be on pins and needles waiting to see if it is really true. His heart has already been broken by family members unable to care for him.  He is eleven years old and desperately wants to belong to a family.  The sooner I can get there and show him that there are people who love him and people he can trust, the sooner we can begin to establish a bond that builds confidence and eases transition. 

How brave are these older children who hold so much hope that they are willing commit to trust a stranger enough to move across the world to an unknown future in which the possibilities are endless? I know adults who aren't brave enough to venture from their home towns.  I am amazed and so proud of this boy for being willing to trust me to keep my word. 

Here is the link to our gofundme site. http://funds.gofundme.com/index.php?route=fundmanager

Please consider donating to the translation costs. It is the main delay in scheduling travel. 

If you prefer, a tax deductible donation can be made to our Reece's Rainbow account and will help to cover the remaining $9,000 in foreign fees and travel costs for my first trip and then trip two for the boys to come home! 

Please help by praying for us as we complete this adoption and the transition period that follows. 

Getting closer!!

It has been a while since my last adoption update. I have been steadily unpacking our belongings in the new house and preparing a place for each of the boys. This has involved setting up bunk beds, armoires, and closet shelves all around, as well as organizing the rest of the home to accommodate our needs.  

During the settling in there have also been visits with the social worker to complete my updated home study.  The final clearance arrived tonight and all that remains is receipt of the approval from USCIS (immigration) before I can travel. Well, that and the remaining funding required.  

In other related news, I heard from an AWANA leader in an English-speaking church in the boys' home country. I had been looking for translated resources in hopes that I could find an AWANA book to share with the older boy when I go to visit.  We are very involved in AWANA at home and thought it would be fun to share a little of what we do here with them.   The Baptist church in the capital city has three Sparks books and the first of the T&T books translated and printed. They will have them for me when I arrive there. What a great day this has been in the adoption world!  It is starting to feel a little more real again. I am finding it is much like a second pregnancy- remembering along the way little milestones I had forgotten, suddenly facing what is the exciting and scary reality that I am about to be a mother to two new children. I think, "oh, yes! I remember this now! I thought I would never feel that way again."

But, here I am, waiting on The Lord as each step approaches in His time.

I have made friends over the last year or so who didn't get to follow along with Oksana's adoption. Many have asked about the cost breakdown for the adoption and what more I am required to raise.  I thought I would share the cost list here for anyone interested.  

The foreign fee is $11,000.  Before I began the adoption process with Oksana, I thought the foreign fee went to the country. It actually goes to the agency in the country where the children live and covers the translation of all of my documents, transportation in country, the fees for the translator to accompany me for visits and business and the filing of all of my court documents. The best news is that the $11,000-fee covers both children.  In addition to that, the fee to USCIS to file my approval is $895. Unfortunately, because Russia is not a Hague convention country, the approval I received previously is not acceptable. Apparently it requires a different form.  Lastly, a plane ticket and visa to Eastern Europe and hotel costs remain ($2500-3500).  Currently, my adoption account stands at $6,000.  To make my first trip to meet the boys and take care of the adoption business I must have those fees.  Remaining fees due for trip two include another $2500-3000 for my travel, a plane ticket for each of the boys (approx. $2000) and their passports and visas.   

Will you commit to pray for our family and the boys as they wait?  Pray for the Baptist church in their country. They are too far from where the boys are to do much directly with them, but the resources they are providing to me are invaluable. Pray for their work and ministry to their community.  Pray that God will lead the right people to provide the needed funds in accordance with His timing and that our hearts will wait patiently for it all to come together as He wills. 

Thank you for hanging in on this journey. It has been a long one with many unexpected turns. I appreciate that you are still with me and look forward to sharing with you the remainder of this chapter of our adoption journey. 

Anyone interested in following the fund-raising progress may do so.  There is an account tally on the Reece's Rainbow website. If you or someone you know is interested in making a donation, it may be done at the following link:  http://reecesrainbow.org/30039/sponsorjohnson-2

The Ultimate Hate Crime

For a week, I avoided reading this article about two parents awarded monetary damages in a "wrongful birth" lawsuit. 

http://liveactionnews.org/couple-wins-50-million-in-wrongful-birth-suit/

They "won" the case because their son was born with significant disability and the physician did not provide enough extensive laboratory testing to "warn" the parents in time for them to abort him. 

Cases like this are the beginning of a slippery slope that ends in places like Belgium where parents can take the lives of their disabled children in the name of pain and suffering. 

When one can be awarded monetary damages and validated for wishing his or her child dead, it won't be long before our society allows post-birth abortion, which is just a really pathetic code name for murder that is suggested in cases where a mother would have chosen to abort her child if she had known the baby would be born "damaged." 

On a smaller scale, but still affecting those who provide medical care, cases like this are a detriment to physicians as well. For an individual who swears an oath to do no harm and then is sued because he didn't provide two parents with sufficient information to warn them of a child's defects "in time" for them to kill him (death constitutes considerable harm) applies a permanent blemish to a good physician's record, damages his reputation and impacts his livelihood. 

There is no other way to describe this than selfishness. It is selfish on the part of the parents, and on the part of every person involved in the support of this case and cases like it. Every single individual who validates this couple's decision to sue and the court's decision to award damages is guilty of unspeakable selfishness. 

 What about the little boy whose parents have announced to the world that they wish he were dead? 

We live in a society where any parent who dares to damage his or her child's self-esteem suffers ridicule, and any parent who spanks a child is guilty of abuse. 

In our society, any individual who utters a slur against a person or people group is subject to administrative action, fines, and corporate boycotts. 

It has become a crime to hurt someone else's feelings.  

It's okay, though, to hate them enough to kill them, as long as you do it before they are born. 

In some places in the world, it doesn't even stop there. 

I haven't forgotten...

It has been a long time since I have given an adoption update. For many months there was simply no information to share. Of course, it is common knowledge that Russia has not opened again, and it doesn't appear that it will happen anytime soon.  Though I cannot say why God would carry me through the process to meet Oksana and not bring her home, I can say that He is in control. I trust in the sovereignty of the Master. Just as for every unborn child who doesn't survive to term, just as any baby born prematurely may not live past a month, just as any child lost to cancer, to an accident, or even just to college, we are not guaranteed that we will have them forever. Often, we take for granted that we will raise them to adulthood. In our arrogance, we assume that they are ours to keep. We forget that we did not design them or create them. Graciously they are entrusted to our care for a season. 

Maybe my season with Oksana was for a few short hours on three very special days. Maybe we will meet again this side of Heaven.  Maybe I will meet her after Jesus calls me home.  It is something may never fully understand. But, isn't that what faith really is? To trust when you don't understand takes way more faith then to follow when it's easy to see where you are going.  I can say that knowing what I know now, I would do it all again, even if I knew she would not come home, that I would not get any of the money back, that she would not be my daughter. I look back over the post from my adoption journey, and I remember all of the things that God did for me on that journey. The way He showed me that He knew me, heard me, and loved me solidified my trust in Him, broadened my understanding of Him, and deepened my relationship with Him. For that, I am eternally grateful.  

Early in my journey, a friend I met through the adoption shared an encouraging Bible passage with me in the the book of Joshua, chapter four. 

"And he said to the people of Israel, “When your children ask their fathers in times to come, ‘What do these stones mean?’ ...then you shall let your children know, ‘Israel passed over this Jordan on dry ground.’ For the Lord your God dried up the waters of the Jordan for you until you passed over, as the Lord your God did to the Red Sea, which he dried up for us until we passed over, so that all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the Lord is mighty, that you may fear the Lord your God forever.” (Joshua 4:21-24 ESV)

My friend purchased a bracelet in Russia after the successful adoption of her son because of the miraculous turn of events in their court proceedings.  She wanted a set of stones of her own kind to reminder of what our Mighty God had done in that situation.  If you have followed my blog through the adoption, you may recall there were some pretty miraculous events in my journey, as well. I was told several times that I should probably choose another child from another region because the particular region where Oksana lived was not as friendly to single mothers or to international adoption.  I told my agency that I would follow through To adopt Oksana until her country told me "no." For me, it was about her redemption as a precious child of God who deserved every opportunity for a life. In my heart, she was not just any child. She was mine.  

After the very first meeting I had with the orphanage, the regional director, and Oksana, I was told by the director that she thought we would be a very good match, and that there should be no trouble with me adopting as a single mother. By the third visit, not only did the orphanage director approve of my adopting Oksana, after we played outdoors  on the last visit, she invited us back to her office where her conference table had been transformed into tea service for the three of us.  On my last day in the country, after leaving Oksana, I purchased a necklace with a cross pendant that consists of beautiful Russian citrine stones.  Stones that are my own reminder of the mightiness of our God.  Just as with Israel, the promises of the past do not guarantee the future Is what we expect it will be. The Hebrews were promised a Redeemer-King.   The Redeemer came, but it was not what they expected.  

I did not expect to travel to Russia and hold that little girl in my arms, promise her I would come back for her; be her mama and then never return to make good on my promise.  I am sure that Abraham did not expect to wait 25 years for God to keep his promise via Isaac. 

I have not discounted the possibility that God may allow me to return for her, But I will also not discount the possibility that it may not be in his plan for me. Just the same, I will trust Him.  His plans for me are good. 

His plans for me unfold a little more each day.  Currently, my place regarding Oksana is to love her from afar and remember her in prayer. While I wait for news of her, of any sign of thaw on the Russian-American adoption front, I cannot rest on my hands and mourn. There are so many others.  For now, it seems that I am to be the mother of boys alone.  Having been the mother of three fine boys all this time, I am comfortable with that. Soon, Lord-willing, I will be the mother of two more.  Five precious sons! 

The baby dolls, dresses, and dancing will have to wait for there are two boys living in Eastern Europe who are awaiting my visit. I accepted their referrals through my agency and forwarded all of the appropriate documentation to their home country's ministry of education.  Soon I will have the updated documentation required for my dossier and will board an eastbound plane to meet the boys who are brave enough to cross the ocean and start a new life with us. Why should they remain homeless while we wait for Oksana? There is still a bedroom for her in my home. There is still a baby doll made by her grandmother waiting to be loved by her very own little girl. There is still a picture of her in the living room with the others. There is still a place for her in my heart. 

Until then, sweet girl, there are two more boys who will join us to pray for you as you grow. You are a beloved treasure to me. More importantly, you are a treasure to God. He has not abandoned you and He will care for you better than ever I could. 

Abortion Cure Found!!

I read an article this morning about being pro-life, anti-abortion, and the false assumption that caring for orphans is a sufficient contribution toward (replacement for) combatting the issue of abortion. The article is well-written and thought provoking. 

Abortion and adoption are not opposite sides of the same coin.  I am not familiar with Carr (who is referenced in the article), but I thought the author's counter to Carr's point was presented fairly, in kindness, and without detracting from all things right about what Carr promotes.  Babies threatened by abortion have only a month, or two, or *cringe* nine to be rescued. Orphaned children, while also prone to suffering, have "time." I don't know if I ever really thought about th

We live in a lost world, no question. But, maybe it isn't just about giving money, rallying for votes against pro-abortion candidates or legislation, or even about the focus on saving lives of unborn babies at the doorstep of abortion clinics. Shouldn't  we be working toward the salvation of souls of the parents before they reach that point? (No, we don't save them, but we are the ones to tell them. "How then will they call on him home they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to here without someone preaching? And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, quotation mark how beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!" Romans 10:14, 15 ESV.)

Ultimately, abortion is an act of selfishness driven by fear and it knows no social, ethnic, economic, or even religious boundaries. The  number of mothers (who choose to abort) who claim to be Christians is staggering. Many do it out of fear of reprisal, shame, and ridicule because of the very visible proof of their sin; essentially, a lack of grace shown  on the part of the believers (us)  in their circles.  

Until Christians stop treating church attendance  like a social club or obligation and start realizing the church building is merely a hospital for the sin-sick where each of us is afflicted; where Jesus has given the antidote for a condition of which we are all still carriers, there will be no reduction in the number of lives destroyed by abortion. Our "own" women are killing their babies, meanwhile wounding their very own souls in ways they can never imagine but will realize after it is too late. They cannot know the damage they are doing. After all, how does one continue to live comfortably with the knowledge that they have taken a life?  Worse than the pain of their own guilt is the pain WE inflict as we  ridicule them, condemn them, and even ignore them; sometimes without even knowing.  There are broken people all around you; in your neighborhoods, your workplaces, your church pews, and even. your. own. families.  We let people filter in and out of our churches without a word, assuming that the pastor (it's his job, right?) will share Christ with them, the Sunday school teacher will show them Jesus. What about you? Maybe the woman in your pew needs to see Jesus from you... From someone who knows what it is like to be in her shoes.  Instead, we speak openly, condemning, criticizing, rejecting people who don't look, think, or act like we do without ever considering that those we condemn may actually be standing in our midst; without ever considering that it may be the one opportunity a person around us has to see who Jesus really is. 

Come on, church! What did Jesus save you from?  What is your contribution to His death? Quit wasting your energy trying to hide your own sin and use your experiences to reach those who are hurting. If they only knew what you have been through they might just believe there is a place at the foot of the cross for them, too. 

There is no cure, but Jesus, for the epidemic of abortion, or for any other "cause" we support- all of which are a result  of living in this fallen world.  Self-proclaimed believers (we) need to assess their (our) lives, as the author of the article recommended, and own up to being carriers with the CURE on board, instead of continuing to live as if they (we) are still dying from the disease.  We have become too comfortable in this home-away-from-home and have forgotten we are only travelers here.  Isn't it time we focus a little less on what we can get here and more on who we might bring with us as we travel?

Lord, take my selfish focus off of my own comfort and direct it to the needs of the people in this lost and dying world.  Center my focus on the cause of Christ. Help me to shake off my desire to arrange a life where my own edification takes center stage.  Give me a mind for sensibility, a knack for efficiency, and a heart for generosity.  Remind me daily that I am a carrier of this sin-sickness and that because I am it makes me the perfect candidate to bring others to the Physician; then, Lord, help me to work to that end. 

Faithful to What End?

"This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope.  Through  the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not.  They are  new every morning; Great  is  Your faithfulness. “The Lord  is  my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I hope in Him!” The Lord  is  good to those who wait for Him, To the soul  who  seeks Him.  It is  good that  one  should hope and wait quietly For the salvation of the Lord.  It is  good for a man to bear The yoke in his youth. Let him sit alone and keep silent, Because  God  has laid  it  on him; Let him put his mouth in the dust— There may yet be hope. (Lamentations 3:21-29 NKJV)

(photo: Moscow Times)

There are times we must wait on Him when there is nothing we can say; at least nothing that we should. Have we even a right to complain in our sorrow and suffering? When we are heartbroken, lonely, and hurt, dare we say we deserve better? By what word or thought or deed?   Trials come and we may not know what to say. Good! In our silence, God can be better heard.   

Nothing for which we ask is granted due to merit or favor. Every good and perfect gift comes down from the Father of Lights.  Whether despairing or depending, complaining or compliant, fearful or faithful, we are deeply loved and showered with mercies unending and unfathomable.

It is through His mercies "we are not consumed."  We are lucky to even be alive. What Grace! God owes us nothing. We continue to live and breathe because He still has a work to complete in us; a purpose for His good.  

HE is faithful.  It is we who are indebted. 

If we never receive anything more than His redemption in Christ we are Kings. 

Every single mercy received is a gift that is above and beyond the death we deserve.  

We cannot afford it. 

We cannot repay it. 

We cannot comprehend it. 

We cannot ignore it. 

We did not find it, and we cannot lose it.  

His faithfulness endures from generation to generation. 

Mercy.  

What more could we ask for?

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from wrath through Him. For if when we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life. And not only that, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received the reconciliation. (Romans 5:1-6, 8-11 NKJV)

Enough said. 

What are you afraid of?

Supposed God-fearing people are living in fear of their futures as if they have never known the God of the universe or seen his power. They are calling for prayer, kind thoughts, good vibes or whatever it is that each individual onlooker feels brings power to the situation. For those who don't believe, I understand the fear. But, Christians, you ascribe to another Truth. Not a name-it and claim-it theology where speaking the words of God bring power to make what one desires a reality, but real trust in the promises of God in a situation where you truly have no control.

There is only One Power- the Word of God. Perfect love casts out fear- (1 John 4:18)-there is no fear when one trusts Christ... You simply trust.

Were He sitting at your table, or standing beside you in line- could you feel anything but overwhelming peace and love?! If you are a believer, He IS there. Is there a difference?

Wake up, Christian! HE is doing this. Not you. BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD, He says. He doesn't say, "sit around and freak out about it to your friends and wait to see if I really mean what I say."

Stop panicking and bury yourself in the Word. See if there is anything in that Book that tells you that it is okay to lament endlessly about your next steps. He doesn't show the big picture. He didn't show Eve her Messiah in Genesis 3-- but He promised there would be One and Eve believed it. Yet, look, as the prophets said for hundreds and hundreds of years, Messiah came. If after you finish all 66 books, you find there is justification for your panic, you will likely have been distracted long enough to see His plan working itself out.

The biggest miracle Jesus could work in your life is saving your weak, wretched, angry, selfish, faithless soul. If He can do that, He can bring home a child, crush an empire, change the hearts of a cold government and draw a nation to its knees. He spoke the world into being with a Word. Jesus and orphans have had more airtime through this legislation than I have ever seen. Never did I expect to hear "our faith in the Lord Jesus Christ will carry us through" on CNN. Another couple I met recently is considering adopting a child with HIV as a result of the crisis being brought to life. Have we any right to complain that this situation is interfering. It is only interfering with human plans. Bear up, believers. You can hack this!

"For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls. You have not yet resisted to bloodshed, striving against sin. And you have forgotten the exhortation which speaks to you as to sons: “My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord , Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him;" (Hebrews 12:3-5 NKJV)

Do you hear that!? You're not bleeding over this. Believers worldwide and through ages past have been tortured, skinned alive, burned to death, and slaughtered for proclaiming the name of Christ. We don't rescue these children, God does. This ache in your heart is anxiety. George Mueller said the beginning of anxiety is the end of faith. Just because you don't know the outcome doesn't mean the outcome will be bad. Honestly - it won't be bad- even if it isn't what you want. Though many cling to Jeremiah 29:11 as a promise for good things to come, there is no guarantee that the outcome will correspond with our desires. He knows the plan He has for us... He doesnt guarantee WE will know it. The GOOD and not harm, HOPE, and FUTURE are from HIS perspective. Because it (whatever the outcome) is what He allows, what He wills... He will grow you from it and through it ...if you submit.

"Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God (I will praise His word), In God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me?" (Psalm 56:3-4 NKJV)

Read the rest of Psalm 56. Put your money where your mouth is. Trust your God to do what He does best and then give Him the glory for it. Whatever "it" is.

Terminally ill... but there is hope.

If you learned today that you had an illness; something crippling, debilitating, and ultimately fatal, but that debilitation and death were preventable, what would you do? Would you not seek out a remedy? Would you not scour the pages written by the authority on your condition?

My friend, I have this condition - a life of selfish, arrogant, stubborn, faithless sin. Not just sins I have committed, things I can ask forgiveness for and cease to commit, but a condition of sinfulness that will not leave me until my life has ended. Illness that manifests itself in thoughts, words, and even deed. I know the cure for my sinfulness- and have indeed averted the eternal death from which it results, but the disease remains in me, ever waging war against my heart and mind. In the end there remains only One constant authority to whom I can run for a remedy. There is no short course of antibiotic to silence the sickness, no one-time injection to reverse the action of the poison. It is a perpetual, active, disciplined dedication to the curing of this condition that will ward off the effects of the poison of selfishness, arrogance, weakness, and complacency. Only a daily dose of the Word of God, sometimes an entire day's dose will fend of this sickness. While it will never be gone from me, never be fully removed from my heart and mind, my soul has been safeguarded from death by the blood of Christ and because of that, even amidst the daily physical and mental struggle, my soul has found rest. Even in the battle to choose right, do right, speak right, and live right- and it is surely a battle, I am strengthened on every side.

"For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart." (Hebrews 4:12 NKJV)

By dining on that Word and ingesting it, allowing the medication to do its work, our hearts are divided; Not torn, confused and waffling, but literally divided-- opened up to show what is truly there. The greatest and most painful prayer I ever prayed offered the greatest healing I have ever known... "Lord, show me myself." My heart was divided to show me exactly what is in it... and it wasn't pretty but it resulted in my complete submission to Christ. The hidden recesses of our minds and hearts- the parts of us that nobody sees and knows-- we know, and God knows. The Word daily shows us where we are heading, when we are slightly off course, and if we heed the warning, it will redirect us before we find ourselves miles away surrounded by a sea of hopelessness. Let it!

Just as one must maintain physical training to stay physically fit, must eat right to remain healthy, and in some situations take a regular medication to keep a possible terminal condition at bay, we must safeguard our souls. Seek out the Great Physician and submit to His care, and daily heed His advice given in His Word. It is the only remedy that can withstand the bombardment of the sin-sickness that tirelessly wages war against us. If even our souls are secure, the damage of sin in our lives will, as leprosy, keep others from approaching. Christian, if the demonstration of a life of faith does not present as an honest expression of your daily need for forgiveness and healing to ward off this illness, living as a half-hearted believer offers nothing to this lost and dying world but the impression that the healing offered by Christ is nothing more than a fake elixir peddled by a snake-oil salesman. For if a faithless, angry, spite-filled, hypocritical life is the example of what Jesus does to change a person, how could anyone stand convinced?

When Jesus heard it, He said to them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance.” (Mark 2:17 NKJV)

Run to the Physician, secure the prescription, keep yourself grounded in the Word that secures your soul that you may remain faithful to gospel of Christ that makes us whole.

That is our only hope.

Tea: A most fitting sign...

Our last day...

Today, after we played outside for our entire visit, the receptionist came out to get you. My throat began to tighten and I knew I couldn't let you see me cry. I expected to take you back inside and watch you leave the office as you had the two days before. When we
walked in, there was tea service set up for three. I assumed it to be for the director, the translator and I, but the director had prepared it for the translator, me and you!. Like a lady you, such a little girl, climbed to the table, sat nicely in a chair, and had tea with your almost mama. You will learn that sitting down with a cup of tea is my favorite shared moment with any friend or loved one. It is something in this instance that only God could have known. Oh how sipping the strongest tea, without cream or milk, that I have ever had helped to push back the tears desperately forcing their way to the surface. It was truly a gift. Oh, but God did not stop there.

You don't know it, but your director has not been a supporter of international adoption in the past. We feared she would contest the adoption and it was even suggested to me a few times that we try something less difficult... Meaning a different orphanage, a different child. I told one facilitator that Jesus didn't choose not to redeem me because it was too difficult. He went to the cross for my sake. He bore the sin of humanity for my ransom. I vowed the day I sent my first commitment paper to the agency that I would carry this through until your country refused to allow me to have you. I would continue until God closed every door and your country refused to release you. Even as recently as my first day in country the Adoption Center I was warned this may be a bad orphanage and I should have another on standby in case they were not supportive. I told them I would fight to free you the way I would had any of my three biological sons been trapped or helpless.

You see, little one, every praying person I know and many whom I do not have been lifting in prayer the hearts of the directors of the adoption center, organ of custody and orphanage. We did not simply pray that God would offer soft hearts to facilitate your release from the confines of institutional life, but we prayed for changed hearts responsive to the gospel. I cannot say where their hearts will stand regarding our Savior just yet, but I can tell you hearts were softened in ways that only He could have done. On the first day the director of the Organ of Custody, which just makes me think of a liver (the position name, not the lady), said through my translator that [despite my single status], she believed it will be okay for me to adopt you.

So, you sat with us at that big table, drinking tea from nice china, unassisted until you began to look sleepy. I nodded in agreement that it was time to go, grateful that she had granted even the extended tea to our visit. The director called for the pretty receptionist who tried to take you out. I was sorry for you as you resisted her, pulled against her and finally went limp." She carried you out gently but firmly but there were no tears from you.

After you had gone, we continued to chat. The director encouraged me not to be sad because Oksana would sense it. I rose from my seat to retrieve a bilingual children's bible and asked her if I may leave it and your caregivers could read to you from it. She smiled and said, "you are Christian, that is good." She nodded, looked through the Bible, smiled and placed it gently on her desk in front of her. She confirmed that someone would read it to you. She reached to her side table and took a small 4 x 8 holy picture of Mary, with Jesus in the upper corner as if watching over her, and said "This came from our local church where the children went to do some work." she wiped dust off of it and apologized for doing so as she handed it to me to look at. Then my translator said, "she wants you to have it. She believes it will help you all to be well and have a good life." Though I do not have or keep any holy pictures and don't believe such tokens have any power, that all power to protect and keep comes from the Lord, I accepted it with appreciation, understanding the sentiment with which it was given. Then she said it. Words I did not even dream of hearing from her. With a quiet tone and gentle smile, she said and the facilitator translated: "she feels that you are sincere in your desire to love Oksana and make her your daughter. She will not be contesting the adoption." I thanked the director quietly in her language humbled at the work of God that I had witnessed and grateful for the prayer support continuing around the world for you.

We have her full support. Even the translator was relieved! We spoke a moment longer and then parted. She shook my hand on our way out and walked us to the door. I promised to bring school supplies for the children and she promised to care for you until my return. I walked to the car with our translator. Once there and underway I asked quietly from the back seat, "Do they always serve tea like that?" In a surprised and almost breathless response she uttered "No! No, that was a VERY good sign!"

We continued down the bumpy road in silence to the Capitol. I smiled and blinked back tears as I considered the faithfulness of God.

The price of redemption...

How must Jesus have felt? When Jesus redeemed us, He took our sin upon Himself. He had to. That was the price of redemption; To bear the dirt, grime, disease, damage and sores caused by our sin. He came to us in this wicked world, Lord of All, born amidst the squalor and neglect that comes with man striving for his own self-preservation. Our sin will be judged. We will be judged, but the blessing, if we are believers, is that we will not bear the penalty therein. God sees our sin on the shoulders of His son. So covered in wickedness, filth and sores of sin that God the father could not even look at Him. Yet Jesus bore it. He bore it out of love for us. This was the cost of our redemption. Jesus died to His Kingly self, left His glory and communion with the Father to rescue us from our squalor.

We often compare the act of adoption in human terms to the gospel of Jesus Christ. He ransomed us, we should ransom them, right? Has anyone considered what that means... Anyone who hasn't actually done it? Sometimes the parallels are striking. Today is one of those days.

For two days I held and loved the girl who will be my daughter. I saw her joy, her beauty, her humanity... No longer an expressionless face in a faded, poorly scanned photograph, she is real to me. Today, I saw another truth; a not-so-heartwarming reality. The director decided we would go outside. It was a perfect breezy 65 degree day. Anyone who has been to Eastern Europe knows what that means. BUNDLED. Well, she wore a dress and a pair of the knitted-looking tights I hated as a child, but because she must have a hat to go out, no giant hair bow. In fact, her hair wasn't even combed. The odor from a mouth that may have never made contact with a toothbrush was awful and must have been masked the day before by the banana she inhaled for I did not notice it when she showered me with kisses yesterday. She did not smell clean or sweet and left an odor on my skin and clothes today that ended up being most unpleasant for the four-hour ride to Moscow. Worst of all, my facilitator and I spoke about her constant itching and it is evident from her face and hands- her only exposed skin- that she has scabies. Any other parent who has adopted is nodding right now. They know it. It's the thing that causes intense itching, either real or imagined, as soon as you hear the word because you know that you had such close contact. I watched her climb up and slide down the old metal slide repeatedly and was grateful that my facilitator was there to help with play and communication. It broke my heart to look on her and see the grime and filth and disease. I wanted to whisk her away to my hotel and scrub away the grime, debride her sores of her infestations and pour out a healing balm; To scour her mouth of years of built up decay and stain. That is what will happen when she is finally released into my care.

I heard a voice in my head, my own voice, ask "do you really want this wretched, dirty, unloveable thing?" Paise God for His Holy Spirit in me that urged, did I want YOU? You were wretched... The stain of a reckless, selfish lifestyle left behind layers of grime that I could not stand to look upon. The filth of your own mouth that uttered hateful, slanderous, blasphemous lies had built up a stench of a different kind of decay in you. The infestation of your own sinful desires brought with it an insatiable itch you scratched at every urge. No matter what seemed cure you faced- lust for attention, affection, food, drink - you went for it. You scratched every itch until your life was a mess of sores visible to any and everyone who dared to gaze in your direction. Did I want YOU? You know I did.

"for the Son of Man has come to seek and to save that which was lost." (Luke 19:10 NKJV)

What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them goes astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine and go to the mountains to seek the one that is straying? And if he should find it, assuredly, I say to you, he rejoices more over that sheep than over the ninety-nine that did not go astray. (Matthew 18:12, 13 NKJV)

"...He knelt down and prayed, saying, Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from Me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done." (Luke 22:41, 42 NKJV)

And finally Jesus said, "In My Fathers house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also. And where I go you know, and the way you know. I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you. A little while longer and the world will see Me no more, but you will see Me. Because I live, you will live also." (John 14:2-4, 18, 19 NKJV)

And so faced with the reality of what Jesus did for me, I answer in honesty, humbled by the truth. Yes. I will give of myself for her. I will pay the price of bearing the stench of years of neglect, grime, dirt and disease. I will take on me the sores and the itching I contracted while holding her close to me in an attempt to undo the damage of years of abandonment. One by one, as another layer of grime is removed from her she begins to shine. She will become clean, fresh..... New. And with every layer I will be reminded that is what being ransomed is all about. I cannot wait to see it!

It is no different than what Jesus did for me. I am humbled. I am awestruck. I am wiling.

I will redeemyou. I will call you by name. You will be mine.

A new day...

To the sweetest girl I know:

After a sleepless night, I rose, showered and went downstairs for the continental breakfast offered by the hotel. As she had yesterday, a young blonde waitress brought me bread with jam, a plate of salami- like sliced meat and cheese, and an egg soufflé of sorts. Yesterday, she asked me something I could not understand and I told her i only spoke English. I did not, until she returned with coffee, realize she was asking what I would like to drink! Oh how I wish I had known, for I know the word for tea and I would have loved a nice hot cup. Today, however, when she looked at me after setting down my plates, I asked "tea, please" in her language. She returned with the eggs and tea and then brought by two creamers, remembering that I had asked for a second the day before. I ate my breakfast and marveled at how little food I actually require to be content and hoped to maintain a more modest appetite when I get home, how ever unlikely that may be!

The facilitator arrived and we left together, stopping on the way out of the city to purchase bananas and cookies for you to share with your friends.

After the hour-long ride down a road much afflicted by the damages of weather and overuse to your home, we parked and went inside where we were greeted again by your director. She showed us the picture of your friend Anna proudly displayed clipped to her pencil jar. She marveled again at how wonderful it is to know that she is so very loved. Yesterday, I had shown the directors information about your scho at home and they were amazed and said "we hope you will be able to get her into that school!" I explained that there was no special requirement for admissions, and that the education laws in our country allow for the special needs of students to be met whether in ones own district or another. They could not believe it and seemed sad as the translator told me "it is not this way in our country." as the translator continued the conversation from the day prior, a receptionist brought you to me. This time you greeted me with a giant hug which made everyone smile. We played with the ball from yesterday and i gave you a cookie. You loved every minute and it was clear to see that you must not refuse any food offered you. When you were down to the last piece in your hand and were chewing i snapped a photo and before i knew it you crammed the last piece in your already full mouth! We all laughed at your healthy appetite and then I asked if we could use play doh. The translator explained it would not leave marks and the director consented. Several times you tried to eat it, but we told you not to. I began taking pictures again and just as I let my guard down you took a giant bite of blue play doh, which I promptly removed from your mouth in the resusci-Annie finger-sweep fashion familiar to any mother of a toddler. The translator laughed and said "maybe you should try a banana!" You must have agreed because it was all I could do to get you to take small bites. You basically inhaled it and then climbed in my lap. For the remainder if the visit, a longer 45 minutes today, you stayed in my arms, while we learned new signs, all of which you copied perfectly, discussed parts of our faces and gave hugs. You kept squeezing me with your whole body wrapped around me like one of those long-limbed, Velcro-handed monkeys. I snuggled you close to me and kissed your cheek. How surprised I was when you immediately reciprocated and kissed my cheek exactly as I had done to you. Such an affectionate little girl! You will fit right in our family. You continued to cling to me, happy and smiling, all the while the translator was taking pictures. What a wonderful t.

They told you it was time to go and we gave some more hugs and said our goodbyes. This time I swallowed hard, packed my bag, and thanked the director. Thankful the language barrier eliminated any expectation that I converse, I fought the urge to cry while we waited for the driver to bring the car around. It had begun to rain heavily.

We went back to the Adoption Center where the director gave me a gift of postcards to remember the city. There we filled out the petition to adopt and took it to the notary. I gave the translator all of my court documents and they took me back to my hotel. I paid the driver and retired to my room to ponder the events of the day.

Tomorrow I will sign a paper with your new name and it will be added to your other documents. We will visit one more time. I do not think it is coincidental that the verse of the day in my Bible application is Isaiah 41:10. I will need its words today as much as I ever have as we part at the end of this last visit, at least for a time.

Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10 NKJV)

Just as God said to us...I want you to know this:

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine." (Isaiah 43:1 NKJV)


These are my two favorite photographs from our visit today:

At last we meet!

Two days ago, I met the sweetest little girl I think I have ever laid eyes on... Yes, Oksana, that is you. My heart has been so full in two days that it has been difficult to put it into words. I had a photograph or two of your sweet face, but there was little personality reflected therein. The photograph taken earlier captures your tiny, lost, abandoned state. Your face called out to me as if to plead with me- please hear me! I have something to say. In your second photograph, your hair is very short, your expression blank. Still, something beautiful was beneath all of that unknown. Two days ago I found it. Your heart, your hands, your hugs... Oh how you beam when you find delight in something. How you seem to delight in just being loved.

On the first day in your region, the adoption facilitator picked me up at 0855. We stopped to get a letter from the Adoption Center, then drove to your little town to meet the director of the Organ of Custody. She is in charge of placing orphans at the district level. I gave her a gift and then we took her with us to your home and met your director. First, I gave the director of your home a special gift from your friend Anastasia's mother with a letter and a school portrait of Anastasia. You see Anna was the first child ever to be adopted from your home. Your director cared very much for Anna and was sad to see her go to America. But Anna's mama promised to send photos and letters to show that you were well and happy. The director was so pleased to see how well and lovely Anna looked. I gave the director my gift and then she invited me to sit. I sat with the translator and the two directors and answered questions about why I wanted a child with Down Syndrome; why a child from your country. I answered their questions honestly and said that I enjoyed working in school with Down Syndrome students and hoped one day God would give one to me if there were a certain number of Down Syndrome children to be given. I explained that in our country all children are valued and given a chance to reach their greatest potential and to be loved the way that God loves us.

They asked a few more questions and them I heard a door open and some tiny footsteps passed through. Your footsteps. You approached the table where we were all sitting and whimpered a little. I took one of your tiny hands in mine and stroked it gently. My translator did the same and spoke some soothing words to you. Whatever it was, you were satisfied and your tears never came. We sat down on the floor to play and I gave you a doll. You rocked her, tapped her feet together, clapped her hands, smoothed her dress and then patted her back. You tucked her in your lap as I pulled a ball out of my bag. It was a sparkly ball that lit up when you bounced it or hit it against your hand. Boy, did you love that as you held it to your face to examine the lights. What a lovely smile that came after. We rolled the ball and tossed it a little and then I pulled out a board book about fruit that had words in both our languages. You came and sat in my lap while I read to you, checking my pronunciation with your caregiver. You patted the pictures and said "mm mmm mmmm" and the translator said you were recognizing those were good to eat. We played with the brim of your dolly's hat and played peek-a-boo when the brim covered her eyes. I learned that you can point to your eyes, nose and mouth, and xan feed and dress yourself. Right now you are six years old but your body and abilities are closer to two or three years old. After a very short twenty minutes they told me it was time for you to go back with your group. I asked to take a few photographs first and they positioned you in front of a flowering plant because that would look pretty. You let me take pictures but didn't really smile for them. In my favorite from that day you were leaning in to look in the camera lens. Your inquisitive nature is very evident in that one. I finished taking photos and let you go with your caregiver. As you left, I gave you your little doll but you didn't think you were supposed to take it. Your caregiver told you it was yours to keep, so you hugged her tightly and carried her out of the room. Then, I sat back at the table with the women again. They all seemed pleased. We talked about how you love pretty dresses, baby dolls and dancing. You have a friend in Montana waiting who loves dancing, as well. She can't wait for you to come home to dance with her. Grandma says you can have all the baby dolls you want.

We left your home that day knowing I would be back the next. I wondered what you were thinking and just kept looking at your sweet inquisitive face;


....so much sweeter than even I had imagined.