Maybe my season with Oksana was for a few short hours on three very special days. Maybe we will meet again this side of Heaven. Maybe I will meet her after Jesus calls me home. It is something may never fully understand. But, isn't that what faith really is? To trust when you don't understand takes way more faith then to follow when it's easy to see where you are going. I can say that knowing what I know now, I would do it all again, even if I knew she would not come home, that I would not get any of the money back, that she would not be my daughter. I look back over the post from my adoption journey, and I remember all of the things that God did for me on that journey. The way He showed me that He knew me, heard me, and loved me solidified my trust in Him, broadened my understanding of Him, and deepened my relationship with Him. For that, I am eternally grateful.
Early in my journey, a friend I met through the adoption shared an encouraging Bible passage with me in the the book of Joshua, chapter four.
"And he said to the people of Israel, “When your children ask their fathers in times to come, ‘What do these stones mean?’ ...then you shall let your children know, ‘Israel passed over this Jordan on dry ground.’ For the Lord your God dried up the waters of the Jordan for you until you passed over, as the Lord your God did to the Red Sea, which he dried up for us until we passed over, so that all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the Lord is mighty, that you may fear the Lord your God forever.” (Joshua 4:21-24 ESV)
My friend purchased a bracelet in Russia after the successful adoption of her son because of the miraculous turn of events in their court proceedings. She wanted a set of stones of her own kind to reminder of what our Mighty God had done in that situation. If you have followed my blog through the adoption, you may recall there were some pretty miraculous events in my journey, as well. I was told several times that I should probably choose another child from another region because the particular region where Oksana lived was not as friendly to single mothers or to international adoption. I told my agency that I would follow through To adopt Oksana until her country told me "no." For me, it was about her redemption as a precious child of God who deserved every opportunity for a life. In my heart, she was not just any child. She was mine.
After the very first meeting I had with the orphanage, the regional director, and Oksana, I was told by the director that she thought we would be a very good match, and that there should be no trouble with me adopting as a single mother. By the third visit, not only did the orphanage director approve of my adopting Oksana, after we played outdoors on the last visit, she invited us back to her office where her conference table had been transformed into tea service for the three of us. On my last day in the country, after leaving Oksana, I purchased a necklace with a cross pendant that consists of beautiful Russian citrine stones. Stones that are my own reminder of the mightiness of our God. Just as with Israel, the promises of the past do not guarantee the future Is what we expect it will be. The Hebrews were promised a Redeemer-King. The Redeemer came, but it was not what they expected.
I did not expect to travel to Russia and hold that little girl in my arms, promise her I would come back for her; be her mama and then never return to make good on my promise. I am sure that Abraham did not expect to wait 25 years for God to keep his promise via Isaac.
I have not discounted the possibility that God may allow me to return for her, But I will also not discount the possibility that it may not be in his plan for me. Just the same, I will trust Him. His plans for me are good.
His plans for me unfold a little more each day. Currently, my place regarding Oksana is to love her from afar and remember her in prayer. While I wait for news of her, of any sign of thaw on the Russian-American adoption front, I cannot rest on my hands and mourn. There are so many others. For now, it seems that I am to be the mother of boys alone. Having been the mother of three fine boys all this time, I am comfortable with that. Soon, Lord-willing, I will be the mother of two more. Five precious sons!
The baby dolls, dresses, and dancing will have to wait for there are two boys living in Eastern Europe who are awaiting my visit. I accepted their referrals through my agency and forwarded all of the appropriate documentation to their home country's ministry of education. Soon I will have the updated documentation required for my dossier and will board an eastbound plane to meet the boys who are brave enough to cross the ocean and start a new life with us. Why should they remain homeless while we wait for Oksana? There is still a bedroom for her in my home. There is still a baby doll made by her grandmother waiting to be loved by her very own little girl. There is still a picture of her in the living room with the others. There is still a place for her in my heart.
Until then, sweet girl, there are two more boys who will join us to pray for you as you grow. You are a beloved treasure to me. More importantly, you are a treasure to God. He has not abandoned you and He will care for you better than ever I could.